No Sugar Coating
July 10th, 2024
mood: broken
watching: unsolved case videos on youtube
temp: 66 F
I don't really know where to start, so I will just say this. My life is changing, always for the worst. I don't know if I will continue this website much longer, and still deciding if I want to keep the site up or not after I leave. I'm done with social media and I no longer have time or motivation to continue my hobbies, especially with the computer. I might simplify the website, I might not. Either way, I wish happiness to you all.
New Life
June 2nd, 2024
mood: happy
watching: gordon ramsey uncharted
drinking: peach tea
temp: 57 F
I realize I haven't updated in a while and here's why. I haven't really been socializing very much lately due to the new guy in my life and we've been inspeperable the past 2 weeks since we started officially dating. He makes me melt and I am enjoying life again. My job is going great, not without its ups and downs bc its a really complicated new thing I'm learning, but overall I'm learning and growing into this new person that I am really starting to like. Nothing but positivity here. I don't know how often I'll be able to update, due to work and new relationship, but I am going to try and get on more especially when I move my computer over to his place since I am always here lol. Hope you guys are doing well xoxo.
Oh My, How Things Change
May 14th, 2024
mood: inspired
watching: fam guy
drinking: water and coffee
temp: 52 F
I haven't updated in a few weeks, I suppose I should start by saying I have a full time job now so updates will be less common lmao. My love life is picking up so thats another time consumer, and keeping up with all my friends lives etc etc. I've just been so busy and I feel actually wanted, even if I do go on 48 hr sleeping binges. (no lie I slept the entire weekend). But with all that comes even better news because I'll be able to stay in Washington now. I'm working directly for a doctor in a small private practice so its very stressful and lots to do but the pay is nice. I'm grateful for what I have. I miss my mom a lot, but hopefully she will be able to stay up here with me for a few weeks to visit but honestly I've got such a busy schedule coming up, I just don't know how we are going to make it work with her life as well. It sucks. A lot. But. I get up and start the day with a smile.. for now. Hope you guys are all doing well xoxo my guestbook is back up on the main page so if you want to leave a comment feel free!
Up and Down
May 2nd, 2024
mood: broken
playing: rdr2
eating: snacks
drinking: orange juice
temp: 49 F
I keep forgetting to update this thing. I've been so distracted with gaming and interviews right and left, I've been on here more but just kind of lurking my own shit adding tasks to the list by the hundreds. I am falling behind on so much shit and I'm truly running out of time. If no one hires me before the next 3 weeks are up, I guess that's gonna be the end of it folks. Either homelessness or death. (I wont go back). I had an interview today though, it went very well, however, I'm not holding my breath anymore. I need to get organzied and figure my shit out. Been talking to new friends and it's preoccupied my time. My sweet, valuable time. My cat has been showing signs of discomfort and I can't afford to get her to the vet which kills me inside. I'm so stressed and distracted, I don't really even know where to begin and everything seems so overwhelming. I've been sleeping so much, and yet I am always tired. Anyway, I doubt anyone reads these. lol.
Life and Pixels
April 17th, 2024
mood: nervous
playing: last of us
watching: blade runner
eating: wendys baked potato
temp: 47 F
This past week has been hell. I'm so mentally exhausted especially after all of this failure. But today I tried to be positive. I cleaned my house and started packing and binging video games and movies with my only friend. I have another interview tomorrow but I mean at this point I'm not even holding my breath anymore. I have put out over 45 applications in the past 4-5 weeks and landed about 6 interviews. STILL NOTHING. On the good news front, I spoke to my landlord who agreed to let me do a half lease because he understands my situation with the broken ankle and not having work etc. That was a huge relief because I thought I was going to have to give my 30 day notice. So at least I don't have to rush to find an apartment as well as a job. Also my mom will be coming up to visit for a few weeks which I am super stoked about because I have been very lonely lately. To the point where I lie on the floor and cry as I dry heave and hyperventilate. The ideations are always looming. Having my mother here will help me a lot as I am still grieving my last failure at life. Every day is hard. But I get through it, one day at a time, hour by hour.
I have a new project in the works though as I have been into pixel art again. It's basically just a new pixel club haha. Still working on the layout and busting more art out on my new laptop with no photoshop. But I should be launching that soon! Be on the lookout for Aquarium Animals!
Если не нравится - уходи
March 28th, 2024
mood: weak
playing: hogwarts legacy
listening to: Dudar
temp: 51 F
Well things are certainly not going as hoped. It's been almost 3 months with no job, despite the endless applications sent daily and pointless interviews one after the other. Here I am. I have no control over my life anymore and I feel helpless with no one around. I'm sinking very deep into a situation I may never escape. I cannot afford to live. I can't, I won't, let myself default back. If I go MIA, at least you know why.
I miss you.
Lift Me Up Or Let Me Burn
March 23rd, 2024
mood: self-reliant
eating: garlic stuffed olives
drinking: cranberry juice
listening to: health - demigods
temp: 47 F
I finally snagged 2 job shadow interviews, one of which was on friday. It went pretty well and if I do get this job, my coworker who I'd be sitting with is basically already my best friend. Super laid back place, I just hope I impressed them enough to make the switch from medical clinics to dentistry. Next one is at an orthopedic chain of clinics (probably better benefits) and seems like a better fit for me, but we will see which I like better and if I even get offered the job at all. I'm pretty confident I will find something soon.. I have to be. What else do I have left? I'm at my wits end and I really need something positive to happen in my life before I give up completely. Time to go listen to sad music and update the new layout. Hope yall are doing well, xoxo.
refresh
March 8th, 2024
mood: distracted
drinking: orange juice
eating: cheese and crackers
watching: reruns of my fav comfort shows
playing: fallout 4
temp: 43 F
As you may have noticed, I'm back online. New laptop has given me the inspiration to come back to coding and embrace my inner nerd again. I miss making pixels so I've been spending lot of time in photoshop, hence the new layout updates. I'll be switching over to that one pretty soon and archiving this mess. Also archiving blog posts so it will be like a fresh start. I'm trying to focus on my OLD hobbies and rekindling a love for them after trauma ruining my muse, rather than picking up new ones and hiding behind them with distraction. But, I will continute to be active on ps5 for a while as well. If you play, add me: antikrist8. Currently playing helldivers, red dead (second play thru) and elden ring. The job search has been slow so I'm down for anything to socialize with people because I never leave the house (also anxiety due to medication change). Anyway, next post will be in the new layout. Look for my new pixels to match! Now where was I... ZzZzZz
g a n j a
February 29th, 2024
mood: isolated, abandoned, unwanted
drinking: green tea
eating: trail mix
watching: the incredibles
playing: Helldivers 2
temp: 39 F
Not really sure what to write I just know that I have to vent and I literally have no one so I do it here. Ignore this, or read, I don't give a shit. Let's dive in. I had another interview today. Midway I had a great feeling about it and it felt that way all up until the "we will be in touch" moment. FUck. I feel absolutely unwanted, both romanticaly and professionaly. My brother was admitted to the ER the other day and had to have 2 surgeries on his hand due to infection. Freaked me and my mom out and I have a sad feeling something traumatic and different is about to unfold. Today marks the second year of my moms mastectomy and being cancer free. Count your blessings. I love Seattle but dear god I miss my family. I don't know how to really process it but I feel a need to take care of them. Then again I will be breaking a promise to myself to never go back. Honor your past because it made your future. Fuck.
♡ сиэтл ♡
Running Out of Time
February 23rd, 2024
mood: sedated
drinking: water
eating: applesauce
watching: great gatsby
playing: Jurrasic World Evolution 2, Hogwarts Legacy, Stardew Valley
temp: 38 F
Just wanted to pop in and update a few things. Emotions have been on a fucking rollercoaster lately, absolute fucking all over the place. I got a new laptop for my birthday from my mom, its a little early but I was desperate since I never use my desktop anymore. I got a second job interview next week at a small clinic over by the water so that means I will be moving soon when my lease is up. I cant belive I've been here for almost a year now. I think thats why my emotions have been from suicidal to ecstatic the past few weeks. Its bittersweet. I love the freedom, but with that comes loneliness. On another note, I feel like I'm reaching out towards something in the dark. I'd like to explore my hobbies again to bring me ease and comfort. Feeling of having a purpose. But I'm nihilistic, there is no purpose. Panic attacks have been coming back. Medication is back to before due to the bad side effects of the new ones. I'm excited to get back into coding again and pixel art especially. It feels weird, I've never done this without you. Alone, now. Insomnia has been a bitch lately. Anyone have tips on falling to sleep? I'm losing my mind. Also I'm bringing back the moodboard!
Bycatch
February 19th, 2024
mood: unsure
drinking: water
eating: taco time
watching: man in the high castle
playing: Hogwarts Legacy, Bloodborne and Call of Duty
temp: 44 F
OOOOFf. I am attempting to come back to coding after the past chaotic year, so much has happened, so much change. I am a different person completley now. Healing is a path one must walk alone. To keep things short, I need to detach from ps5 so much (probably wont happen) and start looking for a new apartment bc believe it or not its been a fucking year since I moved here already. Where the time goes I don't know. In the middle of switching meds also so I'm all kinds of crazy at the moment. But thats what is giving me the inspiration to come back. To keep busy and destracted. So I don't think about you. Also dating in your 30s has me jaded and hopeless. Anyway, hopefully I will finish my new layout from last year (ha) and get it uploaded here pretty soon. Blahh
Ghost
January 21st, 2024
mood: jealous
drinking: water
watching: Loki Season 2
playing: Hogwarts Legacy
temp: 42 F
Hey guys, it's been a while. There's almost too much to update about the past month or two so I'll keep it kinda short. Lets dive in.
First off, I quit my job because the who office became incredibly toxic and mis-managed. I was working my ass off with nothing to show and getting walked all over for doing 3 people's jobs at once. I got tired of the bullshit and left. I've only had one job interview since then (about 2 weeks ago) and have yet to find work. I've sent out 20+ applications with no bites. And living in Seattle... I cannot afford to be jobless. So I've been super stressed about income, rent etc. I cannot thank my mom enough for helping me in this rock bottom shithole situation I am in. Anyway, it's also led me to be home all the time and, naturally, I get super fucking lonely and depressed. I told my psych I think about suicide a lot so I am in the middle of switching meds also. Not sure how thats gonna go. As far as the dating scene goes, UGH. I keep recycling between dudes and honestly I've never felt so borderline in my life, HA. I'd like to find a relationship eventually, I miss it dearly. But, I know that I might not be ready to accept it. It feels surreal. Having this new life without you. But I'm grateful for the growth I have gone through. To pass the loneliness and isolation, I've been playing hella video games with my (somewhat) best friend. Lots of souls games, Elden Ring, Bloodborne, and some others like Hogwarts Legacy, Red Dead Redemption 2 (for the millionth time, I've put so many hours in), new Rachet and Clank, Bioshock 2 remastered and Last of Us remasted 1 and 2. Probably leaving a few out but I am desperately looking for more friends to play with so you if you play ps5 add me! my name is antikrist8. Ok, time for me to be manic somewhere else. Might be a while before I can get back on here and update due to the constant struggle to find money. Peace out yall.
