When It Rains It Pours...
February 22nd, 2025
mood: excited, overwhelmed
drinking: hard seltzers
watching: frozen
temp: 47 F
I've been feeling so alone lately until boom, 30 men decide to hit me up at once because I change my status to single. Ugh. Not going to lie though the attention is nice since feeling like I was getting none before. Not sure why all these young dudes think I want to date them but hey, it's nice to flirt sometimes. I guess I should've led with oh hey, I got a new job at the other hospital here! The one my mom used to work at back in the day. Specifically, I'll be at the OBGYN office at the new building they're putting up across campus. Pretty stoked, it was the easiest interview I think I've ever done, and yet I'm super excited for this oppurtunity. I want to stay there for at least a year or so to put on my resume before I think about moving back to the PNW. Need to save the money anyway, and I'll have a little left over to treat myself since I have gone without so much the past 2 years. Speaking of, its been 2 years. Since I left Medford. Since I left you. I'm still traumatized and grieving but hey I take it one day at a time and I am thankful for the few people that have stayed in my life despite the shit that happens in it. That's about all I have for today. Thank you to the friends on here who reached out, I appreciate that more than words can say! Love to you all!
Another New Chapter
February 18th, 2025
mood: lonely
drinking: cranberry juice, the usual
watching: fam guy
temp: 36 F
Still getting over the fact that I am alone again. I think I'm officially done with dating because people are all the same and they always leave. The problem is me. So I am determined to get a job and work hard while saving money at home until I get on my feet by myself. I had a phone interview today and landed 3 more interviews at the local hospital which I am very excited about. Chances are pretty good I'll get one of them, they really were impressed with my resume. For the first time in my life I feel like not running away... I really need this oppurtunity on my resume so I plan to stay here for longer now that I have no more plans to rush back to Washington. I almost have my friend convinced to move back down here with me since we are both from the same hometown (we met later in life though). I know my mom is happy and honestly she needs my love and support. Our family has dwindled down to just us and neither of us have many true friends so all we have is each other. I'm also really proud of myself for going through this incredibly difficult time completely sober. I can't afford alcohol and I have to pass a drug test in order to work so detoxing took about a month. As soon as I get this job though I'm celebrating hard haha. Wish me luck. I'm picking myself up and forcing myself to continue to fight. I've come this fucking far and I'm not going to let another ruined relationship cripple my life again. I'm just done dating. Focus is all on myself. I really want to try DBT therapy as well so I can work on my coping mechanisms and mood swing episodes. So lets see where life takes me the next few months. Should be interesting... or not most likely. I cannot wait to get my tax refund so I can get my PC set back up. Trying to code on this cheap laptop is hell lmao.
Long Time No Type
February 8th, 2025
mood: alone, but healing
drinking: cranpommegranate
watching: everyone is asleep except you
temp: 69 F
Well my dudes, shit hit the fan pretty hard. It hit so hard and splattered every fucking fiber of my being. But here I am, still washing away the pain, hatred and resentment of everything that has occured in the past 2 years. I had to leave Washington for the time being due to mental health concerns and am now staying with my mother. Shit here isn't great either but at least I have someone to help me out while I recover. For now, I'm currently looking for work so I can save up enough to get on my feet again. I hit rock bottom and I don't ever want to be there again. I will NOT allow myself to reach that state again. I think I have given up on love and now I just want a chapter about me and only me. I've always felt like others controlled my life and I believe it is time I take that control back and experience the world how I have always wanted to. Once I save up enough, I plan to get myself a new vehicle (I haven't had a new one in over a decade) and work on my credit a bit before I eventually move back to Washington and find a nice job to settle down somewhere along the coast as close to my pods as I can afford. I realize this is a long and difficult path but its the one I want and it's the one I will fight for. I hope you are all doing well, and I hope life hasn't beaten you down too hard like it has me. I am a different person now, a better one I hope. Much love to you all.
No Sugar Coating
July 10th, 2024
mood: broken
watching: unsolved case videos on youtube
temp: 66 F
I don't really know where to start, so I will just say this. My life is changing, always for the worst. I don't know if I will continue this website much longer, and still deciding if I want to keep the site up or not after I leave. I'm done with social media and I no longer have time or motivation to continue my hobbies, especially with the computer. I might simplify the website, I might not. Either way, I wish happiness to you all.
New Life
June 2nd, 2024
mood: happy
watching: gordon ramsey uncharted
drinking: peach tea
temp: 57 F
I realize I haven't updated in a while and here's why. I haven't really been socializing very much lately due to the new guy in my life and we've been inspeperable the past 2 weeks since we started officially dating. He makes me melt and I am enjoying life again. My job is going great, not without its ups and downs bc its a really complicated new thing I'm learning, but overall I'm learning and growing into this new person that I am really starting to like. Nothing but positivity here. I don't know how often I'll be able to update, due to work and new relationship, but I am going to try and get on more especially when I move my computer over to his place since I am always here lol. Hope you guys are doing well xoxo.
Oh My, How Things Change
May 14th, 2024
mood: inspired
watching: fam guy
drinking: water and coffee
temp: 52 F
I haven't updated in a few weeks, I suppose I should start by saying I have a full time job now so updates will be less common lmao. My love life is picking up so thats another time consumer, and keeping up with all my friends lives etc etc. I've just been so busy and I feel actually wanted, even if I do go on 48 hr sleeping binges. (no lie I slept the entire weekend). But with all that comes even better news because I'll be able to stay in Washington now. I'm working directly for a doctor in a small private practice so its very stressful and lots to do but the pay is nice. I'm grateful for what I have. I miss my mom a lot, but hopefully she will be able to stay up here with me for a few weeks to visit but honestly I've got such a busy schedule coming up, I just don't know how we are going to make it work with her life as well. It sucks. A lot. But. I get up and start the day with a smile.. for now. Hope you guys are all doing well xoxo my guestbook is back up on the main page so if you want to leave a comment feel free!
Up and Down
May 2nd, 2024
mood: broken
playing: rdr2
eating: snacks
drinking: orange juice
temp: 49 F
I keep forgetting to update this thing. I've been so distracted with gaming and interviews right and left, I've been on here more but just kind of lurking my own shit adding tasks to the list by the hundreds. I am falling behind on so much shit and I'm truly running out of time. If no one hires me before the next 3 weeks are up, I guess that's gonna be the end of it folks. Either homelessness or death. (I wont go back). I had an interview today though, it went very well, however, I'm not holding my breath anymore. I need to get organzied and figure my shit out. Been talking to new friends and it's preoccupied my time. My sweet, valuable time. My cat has been showing signs of discomfort and I can't afford to get her to the vet which kills me inside. I'm so stressed and distracted, I don't really even know where to begin and everything seems so overwhelming. I've been sleeping so much, and yet I am always tired. Anyway, I doubt anyone reads these. lol.
Life and Pixels
April 17th, 2024
mood: nervous
playing: last of us
watching: blade runner
eating: wendys baked potato
temp: 47 F
This past week has been hell. I'm so mentally exhausted especially after all of this failure. But today I tried to be positive. I cleaned my house and started packing and binging video games and movies with my only friend. I have another interview tomorrow but I mean at this point I'm not even holding my breath anymore. I have put out over 45 applications in the past 4-5 weeks and landed about 6 interviews. STILL NOTHING. On the good news front, I spoke to my landlord who agreed to let me do a half lease because he understands my situation with the broken ankle and not having work etc. That was a huge relief because I thought I was going to have to give my 30 day notice. So at least I don't have to rush to find an apartment as well as a job. Also my mom will be coming up to visit for a few weeks which I am super stoked about because I have been very lonely lately. To the point where I lie on the floor and cry as I dry heave and hyperventilate. The ideations are always looming. Having my mother here will help me a lot as I am still grieving my last failure at life. Every day is hard. But I get through it, one day at a time, hour by hour.
I have a new project in the works though as I have been into pixel art again. It's basically just a new pixel club haha. Still working on the layout and busting more art out on my new laptop with no photoshop. But I should be launching that soon! Be on the lookout for Aquarium Animals!
Если не нравится - уходи
March 28th, 2024
mood: weak
playing: hogwarts legacy
listening to: Dudar
temp: 51 F
Well things are certainly not going as hoped. It's been almost 3 months with no job, despite the endless applications sent daily and pointless interviews one after the other. Here I am. I have no control over my life anymore and I feel helpless with no one around. I'm sinking very deep into a situation I may never escape. I cannot afford to live. I can't, I won't, let myself default back. If I go MIA, at least you know why.
I miss you.
Lift Me Up Or Let Me Burn
March 23rd, 2024
mood: self-reliant
eating: garlic stuffed olives
drinking: cranberry juice
listening to: health - demigods
temp: 47 F
I finally snagged 2 job shadow interviews, one of which was on friday. It went pretty well and if I do get this job, my coworker who I'd be sitting with is basically already my best friend. Super laid back place, I just hope I impressed them enough to make the switch from medical clinics to dentistry. Next one is at an orthopedic chain of clinics (probably better benefits) and seems like a better fit for me, but we will see which I like better and if I even get offered the job at all. I'm pretty confident I will find something soon.. I have to be. What else do I have left? I'm at my wits end and I really need something positive to happen in my life before I give up completely. Time to go listen to sad music and update the new layout. Hope yall are doing well, xoxo.
