refresh

March 8th, 2024
mood: distracted
drinking: orange juice
eating: cheese and crackers
watching: reruns of my fav comfort shows
playing: fallout 4
temp: 43 F

As you may have noticed, I'm back online. New laptop has given me the inspiration to come back to coding and embrace my inner nerd again. I miss making pixels so I've been spending lot of time in photoshop, hence the new layout updates. I'll be switching over to that one pretty soon and archiving this mess. Also archiving blog posts so it will be like a fresh start. I'm trying to focus on my OLD hobbies and rekindling a love for them after trauma ruining my muse, rather than picking up new ones and hiding behind them with distraction. But, I will continute to be active on ps5 for a while as well. If you play, add me: antikrist8. Currently playing helldivers, red dead (second play thru) and elden ring. The job search has been slow so I'm down for anything to socialize with people because I never leave the house (also anxiety due to medication change). Anyway, next post will be in the new layout. Look for my new pixels to match! Now where was I... ZzZzZz


g a n j a

February 29th, 2024
mood: isolated, abandoned, unwanted
drinking: green tea
eating: trail mix
watching: the incredibles
playing: Helldivers 2
temp: 39 F

Not really sure what to write I just know that I have to vent and I literally have no one so I do it here. Ignore this, or read, I don't give a shit. Let's dive in. I had another interview today. Midway I had a great feeling about it and it felt that way all up until the "we will be in touch" moment. FUck. I feel absolutely unwanted, both romanticaly and professionaly. My brother was admitted to the ER the other day and had to have 2 surgeries on his hand due to infection. Freaked me and my mom out and I have a sad feeling something traumatic and different is about to unfold. Today marks the second year of my moms mastectomy and being cancer free. Count your blessings. I love Seattle but dear god I miss my family. I don't know how to really process it but I feel a need to take care of them. Then again I will be breaking a promise to myself to never go back. Honor your past because it made your future. Fuck.


♡ сиэтл ♡





Running Out of Time

February 23rd, 2024
mood: sedated
drinking: water
eating: applesauce
watching: great gatsby
playing: Jurrasic World Evolution 2, Hogwarts Legacy, Stardew Valley
temp: 38 F

Just wanted to pop in and update a few things. Emotions have been on a fucking rollercoaster lately, absolute fucking all over the place. I got a new laptop for my birthday from my mom, its a little early but I was desperate since I never use my desktop anymore. I got a second job interview next week at a small clinic over by the water so that means I will be moving soon when my lease is up. I cant belive I've been here for almost a year now. I think thats why my emotions have been from suicidal to ecstatic the past few weeks. Its bittersweet. I love the freedom, but with that comes loneliness. On another note, I feel like I'm reaching out towards something in the dark. I'd like to explore my hobbies again to bring me ease and comfort. Feeling of having a purpose. But I'm nihilistic, there is no purpose. Panic attacks have been coming back. Medication is back to before due to the bad side effects of the new ones. I'm excited to get back into coding again and pixel art especially. It feels weird, I've never done this without you. Alone, now. Insomnia has been a bitch lately. Anyone have tips on falling to sleep? I'm losing my mind. Also I'm bringing back the moodboard!





Bycatch

February 19th, 2024
mood: unsure
drinking: water
eating: taco time
watching: man in the high castle
playing: Hogwarts Legacy, Bloodborne and Call of Duty
temp: 44 F

OOOOFf. I am attempting to come back to coding after the past chaotic year, so much has happened, so much change. I am a different person completley now. Healing is a path one must walk alone. To keep things short, I need to detach from ps5 so much (probably wont happen) and start looking for a new apartment bc believe it or not its been a fucking year since I moved here already. Where the time goes I don't know. In the middle of switching meds also so I'm all kinds of crazy at the moment. But thats what is giving me the inspiration to come back. To keep busy and destracted. So I don't think about you. Also dating in your 30s has me jaded and hopeless. Anyway, hopefully I will finish my new layout from last year (ha) and get it uploaded here pretty soon. Blahh





Ghost

January 21st, 2024
mood: jealous
drinking: water
watching: Loki Season 2
playing: Hogwarts Legacy
temp: 42 F

Hey guys, it's been a while. There's almost too much to update about the past month or two so I'll keep it kinda short. Lets dive in.

First off, I quit my job because the who office became incredibly toxic and mis-managed. I was working my ass off with nothing to show and getting walked all over for doing 3 people's jobs at once. I got tired of the bullshit and left. I've only had one job interview since then (about 2 weeks ago) and have yet to find work. I've sent out 20+ applications with no bites. And living in Seattle... I cannot afford to be jobless. So I've been super stressed about income, rent etc. I cannot thank my mom enough for helping me in this rock bottom shithole situation I am in. Anyway, it's also led me to be home all the time and, naturally, I get super fucking lonely and depressed. I told my psych I think about suicide a lot so I am in the middle of switching meds also. Not sure how thats gonna go. As far as the dating scene goes, UGH. I keep recycling between dudes and honestly I've never felt so borderline in my life, HA. I'd like to find a relationship eventually, I miss it dearly. But, I know that I might not be ready to accept it. It feels surreal. Having this new life without you. But I'm grateful for the growth I have gone through. To pass the loneliness and isolation, I've been playing hella video games with my (somewhat) best friend. Lots of souls games, Elden Ring, Bloodborne, and some others like Hogwarts Legacy, Red Dead Redemption 2 (for the millionth time, I've put so many hours in), new Rachet and Clank, Bioshock 2 remastered and Last of Us remasted 1 and 2. Probably leaving a few out but I am desperately looking for more friends to play with so you if you play ps5 add me! my name is antikrist8. Ok, time for me to be manic somewhere else. Might be a while before I can get back on here and update due to the constant struggle to find money. Peace out yall.





Hiatus

December 13th, 2023
mood: indifferent
drinking: vodka
playing: Elden Ring
temp: 47 F

I don't really have the time to update this site anymore, at least not for now. I want to come back soon, probably next time I get time off bc work has been draining me and all I'm getting out of it is shit. Don't ever work for doctors directly, they're a pain in the ass. Even the sweet ones pull rank. Just wanted to let yall know I may pop in here and there but updates will slow down significantly and I will try to blog when I can. If anyone even reads these lol. Anyways, I'm off to go play video games until my brain bleeds. Peace.





Drama, Work, Drama

December 3rd, 2023
mood: broken hearted
eating: popsicles
drinking: vodka
playing: Call of Duty III
temp: 45 F

Ok, it's been a while and I have a ton to upate on so I'm just gonna dive into it. I've mostly been on hiatus due to work - the clinic is an absolute chaotic mess and I am stuck doing 3 peoples jobs while manning the receptionist desk. I am very overworked and burned out, but not just because of that. Kind of going through a mid-life crisis I suppose what the kids these days call it my "ho phase" hahhah. I've been distracting myself from the exestential reality that is life and suffering - BPD is in full effect yall. I have had more sex than the entire last year I was w my ex. HA. One of those being a long time friend that I have always had bad timing with. So, naturally, pregnancy scare. I'm still not sure if I am or just going through an early menopause due to the cysts on my ovaries? I doubt I will ever have kids at this point, which has been weighing on my mind a lot and just another cause for depression. My ankle has been having some issues post surgery so I should probably get xrays done Monday. Its so nice working in a clinic w and xray machine, because all of them are free hahahha. Patients pay quite a bit and its always per image. Got a free brace as well because the fibula feels like it is poking out to the side a bit and I am starting to get swelling and pain. It's hot to the touch and I am kind of concerned. WHY DIDNT I GO TO THE ER WHEN IT HAPPENED. I may have fucked up my ankle for life and lets just say I have learned my lesson. I've also just now gotten my tax return from Oregon and blew through that so fast. Got 3 new tanks and a new catfish that I plan on putting in the 30gal cuz this bad boy will get up to 6 inches. Still deciding on which species I want next, so far I have 4 tanks going. Crossing my fingers I dont get evicted LOL. He needs a name! Help me find a good one yall. Anyway I hope you guys have a great holiday season (I won't).





Work, Sleep, Repeat

November 11th, 2023
mood: very confused
eating: ITS POMEGRANATE SEASON
playing: Stardew Valley
temp: 52 F

Well I suppose I should start off with something positive. I got my old job back at the podiatry clinic and have been busting my ass all week, hence the absence. I'm working long hours with Seattle commute being the way that it is and living 13 miles away from my job means a 1-2 hr drive on 405. UGH. I gotta say though, I had a really nice week staying busy and distracting myself in a *positive* way. I got my scrubs in and everything so now I am a proper medical worker. Thoughts are still racing in my head about last weekend though and last night was even worse. Not going into specifics but lets just say I am sick of dating. And I am sick of men who play mind games specifically. Anyway. This is the last weekend with my mom being here and last time I will see her for a while now that my leg is all healed and I am back at work. Here's some pics from the past week. Hopefully I will get some free time to hang out with the lovely Alexandra! ^-^













I Don't Care

November 1st, 2023
mood: pain
eating: chicken sammich
drinking: sweet tea
playing: Last of Us
temp: 53 F

Extremely happy that my job hired me back so I don't have to endure an interview and drug test (THC). BUT that also means I will be super busy at work and little time for video games and coding. It is motivating me to finish my new layout already so I can have it up and functioning before I get too distracted with stress. I just ordered my first pair of scrubs, super excited to sport those with my crocs 8) lol. Mom is still here with me for two more weeks so we are trying to get shit done ASAP. Got a new belt on my jeep, rear brakes and rotors etc. My first goal when I get paychecks again is to look for a new fucking car. My jeep lasted me 11 years but damn do they have problems. I've always wanted a drift car or off-roading truck so we will see which way I lean LOL. Basically at this point I'm living every day like its my last. I don't know how long I am going to be here on earth, or my mother for that matter, so I'm trying to capture these moments I might not have in the near future. I'm ready to get back into a routine though, life is so much easier that way. **I'M NOT CELEBRATING HOLIDAYS THIS YEAR DUE TO TRAUMA** and honestly it's a vibe to feel alone again. Cheers.




I kind of want to do like a virtual clog charms clique bc I can see myself collecting all these HAHA



Job Search

October 30th, 2023
mood: resilient
eating: pills
playing: Stardew Valley
temp: 48 F

Back on the search for a new job - I applied at several places last night and woke up to 2 pages of emails regarding interviews and such. I'm excited to get back into a routine, especially now that I have my own place and live alone. Mom is leaving soon so I'll have to get my shit together beforehand. Found a clinic that I have an interview with Wednesday. Crossing my fingers for this one! Pay can cover this place (its expensive) and bills ALONE. I'm starting to have different views developing as I weave my way through this displacement~ I'm settling in roots and it feels nice again, even though I am alone. Just embracing the crazy vibes and batshit insane and impulsive BPD shit you can think of. I don't care anymore and it feels SO NICE. :D






Post Surgery

October 25th, 2023
mood: oh
eating: green beans
drinking: sweet tea
playing: WoW
temp: 50 F

Surgery was one big clusterfuck. The doctor was an hour behind on his previous surgery bc that clinic is a fucking mess, but eventually got called back to take out the plate and screws in my bone. They called a code Z on me, not sure what that is, it's the first I've heard of it even after working there - but didn't tell us why I was in surgery double the amount of time it should've taken. Nonetheless, I made it home, long story short I hate opiates and am never taking them again, I'd rather deal with the pain. That shit gave me such intense nightmares, I was screaming in my sleep and barely was even concious for 2 days. Took my boot off to relieve some pressure from the extra padding they put in bc I have a good feeling he nicked a small artery. My fitbit recorded while I was asleep, my heart rate dropped to mid 70s, something I was worried about getting an infection bc I did have a fever that broke but we seem to be in the clear now - I'm feeling much better. I even got to keep the screws and plate! Unfortunately, they cleaned most the blood off!!! XD

oh yeah, MY PLECO BABIES HATCHED!

male is fanning over the almost developed eggs


bad photo, male guarding over the tiny fry with their huge yolk sacs still bigger than they are!




Keep Me Warm

October 17th, 2023
mood: crazy
eating: rice pudding (new fav)
drinking: water
watching: looking for a new show to binge (still)
playing: WoW
temp: 51 F

Sorry I haven't been too active on here - my mom finally arrived day before yesterday for my upcoming surgery. Between having company, my second surgery in 3 months and WW3, I just haven't had the motivation to update anything. WoW is my escape recently, something to attach onto while I distract myself from having feelings. I can't stand the silence. But that is what my mom is here for, moral support and helping around the house. Guys I am in such a constant state of depression and mania now that I simply do not care. Embracing my 'it is what it is' era and I am mentally preparing for a worst future possible that way things don't seem so hard in the moment. I'm slowly getting my best friend back - ah it's funny how these things shift. Really working on building and maintaining my boundaries, which has in return made me not only mentally better but physically too. I've traded anxiety with trauma. I am almost done with this road I'm on, it's time to find a new path to follow and routine to fall into. Now that it is the rainy season in Seattle, I have a feeling things might get a little hard this winter which is supposed to be a brutal one. Trying to start prepping now for blackouts and heavy snow. Thankful I have a wood burning stove chimney for back up heat. I must depart, cheers.




OH

October 11th, 2023
mood: pouty
eating: pumpkin pie
drinking: water
watching: looking for a new show to binge
playing: WoW and CoD
temp: 50 F

I'm super excited to have a tank again - its already brought some kind of familiarity to this new home and new life I'm transitioning into. I managed to get a few pics of the male as he sits outside his cave protecting the inside most likely because the females are gravid and ready to lay eggs. I'll most likely have babies pretty soon.. already.. lmao. My mom is flying in on Saturday which I'm also very excited for. I've missed her even though she hasn't been gone long, it's still nice to spend as much time together as possible because life is never gauranteed. My next and last surgery is in two weeks but this time I will only be healing an incision and not a fucking bone. You bet your ass I'm asking to keep the plate and screws! Here's pics of the pleco clan, apologies for the shitty as pictures, I cba taking better ones for now until I get real plants and aquarium stand.


when they first arrived I had to place them immediately into a tank with o2 so this was their set up for the night until I can do a water change.





New Fishies

October 9th, 2023
mood: productive
drinking: pommegranate juice
watching: bobs burgers
temp: 58 F

Finally went and picked up my friends aquarium, and I'm pretty excited. Hoping it will give me some inspiration to find a job so I can buy plants and other tanks lmao. My back is still fucking killin me and I'm beginning to think it could possibly be a ruptured disc. That's all I need... I need to do so much and its catching up with me. Might be busy the next few days or weeks. Until then, here's my face :)




Why are men

October 8th, 2023
mood: perplexed
drinking: water
watching: family guy
temp: 60 F

I have to get this off my chest before I overthink myself into another coma. How the fuck do guys really get off on sweet talking you, turn you down and ghost you only to come back proposing we procreate? wtf is even my dating life anymore. You only want what you could've had but decided to hurt me instead. Tomorrow im goin to pick up some fish/aquarium i cant fuckin deal wit tis laptop bye



I've run out of titles

October 5th, 2023
mood: unwanted
drinking: water
watching: corpse bride
temp: 55 F

I have my last xray on Tuesday. So curious how the bone is healing since there is no more pain while standing/walking (at least for short distances). Not looking forward to the lifelong symptoms of a broken joint. I've been in a really bad mood the past couple of days so I had a friend reach out and wanted to give me their aquarium. So I guess I'm doing that this weekend despite me throwing my back out lifting heavy boxes looking for the damn fish supplies haha. I had some left over vicodin from surgery that helped for the first day but damn this shit hurts. I'm here all alone so I can't really afford to be physically injured all the time. I slept most of the pain away and I am doing stretches in bed to help with the shooting pain. I have so much to do and I'm letting it all pile up again bc I'm so depressed it feels like a physical hole is in my chest most days. I'm really trying to do as many updates I can on here but I've lost steam and have been drowning myself in WoW to keep distracted until my mother comes to visit again. I wanted to text you so bad, but I know you won't respond. No one ever does. In desperate need of a friend atm. :'(



IDK

September 30th, 2023
mood: unwanted
watching: anything to dissociate to
temp: 53 F

I am really done trying to make this year better. I've lost soooooo many people, jobs, love, and homes. Not real sure what to say, lack of updates bc I am just not interested in anything anymore and I am incredibly alone. I need to vent, but I literally have no one in my life anymore except my mom and she's half a continent away. Uhhhh, I have a job interview coming up, hopefully if I get a routine back it will help w my depression. Every time I get comfortable, something is ripped away from me which triggers my insane abandonement issues though. I don't want to be awake, gn.



Smol Update

August 28th, 2023
mood: nervous
watching: game of thrones
temp: 66 F

Figured I would throw this in a blog post rather than an update on my activity page. I have xrays tomorrow to see how the bone is healing and judging by the way I am able to walk (barely) on it, I'm hopeful I will get a pass from the surgeon to start driving again because my mom is heading back to Texas day after tomorrow. The scar is completely healed but I'm afraid the xrays will reveal either really good or really bad news. If I can't drive, I don't know what I'll do to get around for food. A month of doordash is pretty pricey and I'm financially not in a good place bc I'm saving to move for the 4th time this year. So even if things are going good and bone is healing nice, he could also push up the next surgery date to remove the plate and screws, which means mom would have to come up earlier than scheduled which is, again, pricey. Roundtrip from there to here is around $600-$800 every time. So I am kind of torn, as is my mother. I guess all we can do is take each day as it comes. /shrug.




The Night is Heartless

August 24th, 2023
mood: void
watching: harry potter
eating: animal crackers
drinking: gatorade
playing: world of warcraft / diablo 4
temp: 59 F

New layout is frustrating the hell out of me yet its all I work on these past few days.. weeks?.. who knows. I've pretty much accepted I've lost all comprehension of time and reality. I stay pretty catatonic or dissociative all day, feel alone at night then stay up until 6 am and pass out. I'm ready to change and blossom yet I feel something holding me back and I don't know what or who it is. How could I not see what has been staring at me in the face the whole time? No running away this time, I have to keep fighting. I HAVE TO KEEP FIGHTING.




Back to Square One

August 17th, 2023
mood: heartache
watching: xfiles
playing: world of warcraft
temp: 88 F

Life has been hard lately. And when I say that, I mean like to the point of giving up. Completely. I had my stitches taken out the other day and I am no longer using my boot to get around in. Weaning off the opiate pain meds (worst part) and prepping for the final surgery. Now that it's slightly healed, I am able to feel the plate under my skin and I literally feel like a cyborg. Anyway, as cool as that is.. a few more weeks and I'll have it removed with all 7 screws in my bone and then.. I am moving. Again. Moving for the 4th time this year. I'm so exhausted from that alone, I have also lost my 8 year relationship, home and sanity. Been betrayed 3 times by men who I thought I could trust (ha). Broke my leg that has been an almost 5 month ordeal with 2 surgeries. What else? Im pretty much rock bottom and my only choice is to move BACK to where I left.. but I don't want to get my hopes up of reconciling my relationship and putting my eggs in one basket like I always do and get fucked over. Again. Last choice would be Texas. Back to my hometown with my family which would help me save money but is very toxic for my mental health and overall wellbeing. I can't allow that to happen. Wish me luck, this is my last try.




Give Me a Break...

August 8th, 2023
mood: overwhelmed
drinking: sweet tea
eating: homemade meatloaf
watching: twilight bc im a loser
playing: Red Dead Redemption II
temp: 82 F

Had my second dressing change today after surgery. It's only been 2 freaking weeks since surgery (I was thinking it had been 3) so to hear that I have that much more time to heal is annoying bc I am ALREADY over this shit. Staying in bed all day except to use the bathroom is bullshit. But I have to be extra careful now bc somehow the bone re-broke and a screw is going right through the middle of the break between the two ends of bone that the bone graft was supposed to patch together. So thats the cause of all my pain, especially when I accidently move my ankle wrong. The pain in indescribable. Mom is staying to take care of me for at least another 4 or so weeks. We're slowly getting used to each others crazy. I haven't lived with her in over a decade and I know we have both changed as people so little things can get annoying but one day I will look back and cherish this time together that we rarely get. After I get healed, there is a posibility that I may move back to Texas but I don't really think it would be good for my mental health due to PTSD. But making my mom cry everyday bc I'm not wiling to give it a try is heartbreaking. So I have a lot to weigh on my mind. I even talked to my ex about moving back to southern Oregon but I don't know how progressive that would be. That's a whole different story I don't wish to delve into at the moment. I'm just grateful for pain pills and xanax tbh. I would've lost my mind a long time ago w/o them. P.S. here's a little sneak peak at what I've been up to lately: rough draft, but I hope you like.








Screwed

August 6th, 2023
mood: lonely
drinking: sweet tea
eating: homemade tortilla soup
watching: before the 90 days
playing: Red Dead Redemption II
temp: 77 F

It's been hell dealing with this damn broken foot. Bone was already fusing together bc they put off the surgery for so long so having it "shaved" on (doctors words not mine) bc I didnt deal with any pain at all. But this. I can feel each screw when I move my ankle even the slightest. In the past two days, I have twisted my ankle the wrong way and boy does it send a severe bolt of pain through my body. I feel like since I have been putting partial weight on it that the screw moved against the bone and possibly re-opened some sutures. I decided its best to just leave it alone since tomorrow is my dressing change with the clinic but I am going to have them re-xray my foot to see if any screws aren't in their proper places. We will see. Other than that, I've just been nonstop working on my new layout and playing RDR2 and Diablo IV. Feel free to add me on psn: antikrist8 or battlenet: oneiric8!!






Dead Weight

August 3rd, 2023
mood: dead
drinking: juice
playing: Diablo IV
temp: 79 F

I feel like I am so heavy, all of a sudden I am dead weight. Depression is kicking my ass. Here's some pics, I dont feel like writing.













Let the Doom Come in

August 2nd, 2023
mood: confused
drinking: my own acidic bile
playing: Diablo IV
temp: 83 F

Sometimes people just kinda love each other no matter what. I don't believe in soulmates but if it's a thing, then you are definitely mine. Please give me a break, I just need you.. I just need a reset button. It's all my fault. Life is short my dudes. Go for it.







How Many Spiders?

July 26th, 2023
mood: pondering
drinking: gatorade
eating: bagel
watching: literally every comfort show ever
temp: 68 F

I finally had the surgery on my ankle. I'll be unable to walk for 6-8 weeks so I've been in bed recovering these past few days. In an out of sleep due to the heavy pain killers and muscle relaxers. But it has been a a blessing having my mom here to help with everything especially now that I cannot do hardly anything for myself. I'm slowly learning crutches for the first time so I think my abs and thighs are in more pain from a work out than my foot is from being cut open haha. But for real, I had a metal plate inserted onto my bone with about 5 screws to hold in place while taking a bit of bone from my heel to graft together my fibula. The pain is unbearable but it is what it is. I can only get better from here and like my nurse (old coworker) said, new leg new life. Been thinking a lot about my future here, or if I even have one. I may end up moving in the end who knows, it was nice and still has a chance to get better here, but I just dont know if i see myself here for long. We'll see.















Nope. I'm Done.

July 19th, 2023
mood: alone
drinking: peach tea
watching: youtube/music
temp: 88 F

I'm done dating. That's it. That's all. You know what my ass is gonna do instead? After the leg is healed, get a license as a medical assistant and save up quite a bit of money and buying myself a few horses. I'm getting old, I realize, time is so fragile and if we don't stop to take care of ourselves we will find an early grave. Embrace the fuck it.

also after 13 years I finally made an ally with my friend. (o゜▽゜)o☆

aaaand got this is in the mail.



While replanning the backyard (I think I'm gonna make a patio pond):

















Some kind of Change

July 8th, 2023
mood: alone
drinking: water
watching: hulu
temp: 70 F

A lot has happened since the last update. I was let go of my job, so my mom has been staying with me until after surery. I am freakin out about the possibility of blood clots and small chance of death. I am pretty numb to everything. Ive been staring at my website for days that turn into weeks and I promise I want to continue this site, it is just so hard to stay focused because my whole life is shit. Might brainstorm some new layout ideas post surgery since I wont be able to walk for a few months. Until then, enjoy every moment because life can change in an instant ♥





Acidic Vomit

June 23rd, 2023
mood: pleased
drinking: sprite
watching: anything to keep me numb
temp: 59 F

Okay, here we go. Here's to trying to explain my absence. I was kicked out of my living space last month so I have found a nice place in Redmond area but the funny part is... is that I get let go of work a week after getting my new expensive ass apartment. I have no income and no one will hire someone with a broken leg. Then consider surgery and not being able to walk for 8 weeks and needing physical therapy. So I'm going after disability for short term since a leg fracture is considered disabled and it might save me with getting by on rent with the bare minimum. I got real low after I was let go. For three days, I didnt drink any water, barely ate a bite of food, stopped meds, and slept for 16 hrs at a time. I literally felt my body shutting down, not so much physically but mentally I gave up. I didn't want to live. I still don't. But my mom flew up here to take care of me, from now until a little after surgery. The road defintely isn't going to be easy for me the next few years... And because of that, I am taking legal action. I don't know what the future holds but at this rate guys, it's really not looking good.





Won't Work

May 30th, 2023
mood: pissed off, upset, alone. just soo many feels.
drinking: sprite
eating: vicodin
watching: anything to keep me numb
temp: 53 F

I'm keeping this post as short as possible bc I am so overwhelmed with shit lately and I am not thinking properly. It was confirmed today by one of our surgeons that, yes, I will need surgery on my leg. It's been about 6 weeks, no signs of improvement on healing so the bone is not fusing together. I will need a bone graft onto my fibula as well as a few rods and screws in both fibula and tibia. Here's a roundabout way my doctor explained it:




So with that said, I am also being kicked out of my residence (the one I broke my leg in) with really no reason at all, so I am actively seeking a personal injury lawyer to see what my options are due to their attic and basement do not have proper railing or staircases which led to said broken leg. All of this while also planning ANOTHER big move into my own place and there is a slight possibility I will be let go at my job due to this situation. With that said, I am to find a place to live, while possibly not having a job (no verified income) and being on bed rest post surgery. Lol what is even going on in my life anymore? Every time I get low, I always manage to fall a little further.





Rollercoaster

May 13th, 2023
mood: defeated
drinking: root beer
watching: anything to keep me numb
temp: 76 F

Don't ever say can it get worse because yes it certainly can. My life has been constant ups and downs lately (mostly downs) and so much is changing its hard to process a lot of it. I'm working on myself though and getting shit done because I'm a fucking adult. The new job is going well, and I have made friends with my coworker I've been training with. Everyone is super friendly and caring and I consider myself very lucky to have gotten a job there. Updates on my broken leg - well its worse than I had thought. My fibula is completely broken in half (that would explain the crack sound I heard when I fell) and was somehow managing to walk on it for 2 weeks without pain meds or a boot. The pain is getting significantly worse though meaning its probably healing wrong and theres a big possibility that I will need corrective surgery by puting metal rods in my leg. I know driving to and from work hurts a lot when I brake bc I can't wear the boot but its just been an all around pain in the ass to deal with cuz I still have to go to work. Doesn't help I live upstairs so I have to go up and down every time to use the bathroom or get food. On that note, my roommates are kicking me out as well. Its barely been a month and the chick has an attitude toward me already. Im over roommates and significant others, I want to live alone for a while and figure out my life by myself. At the same time, I crave human interaction so bad, I am deprived of love and affection. Just please can I get a fucking hug from someone? Being alone up here, having to move on a broken leg all by myself is just a lot at once, adding to the fact I just got out of a shitty situation a few weeks ago. Im done with people. Focus on work, I'll be ok.



No Hope

April 26, 2023
mood: shock
drinking: smoothie
watching: anything to keep me numb
temp: 56 F

Not going to make this a long post. I am in so much pain it hurts to think or move. Ive lost two people close to me and my mother is in bad health. I moved to seattle despite everything, and im left with nothing but a broken ankle and a broken heart. Ive lost all my friends. My home. My life. My job. Everything is gone. I am all alone here. Anxiety. Pain. I feel everyhingg and nothing all at once. I am having thoughts o f harming again. I need help. Support. Love.



You can't say No forever.

April 17th, 2023
mood: headstrong
drinking: sake n peach tea
watching: harry p
temp: 40 F



It's been a long and choatic hiatus, but hopefully I will have the time to code again soon. In a few hours I will be in Seattle at my new place and I couldn't be happier. Yet, something is eating at me. The fact my mother is upset I am moving somewhere other than Texas and the constant dread I feel around him at every breath he takes or words repeated. I know I am 100% ready to move on with my life and everyone was being so supportive at first but now that I am actually taking charge and setting boundaries, people are getting hurt. All I know is, I'm super happy to live alone again. The independence and freedom you get from working hard and supporting yourself is bittersweet. Let me do this alone. So I can find myself again.



Renewal

April 1st, 2023
mood: reflective
drinking: vodka
watching: re4 on ps5
temp: 46 F

I am so sorry its been so long since I updated here or even checked in on yall. Im in a bit of a transition period in my life and as of right now I am basically homeless while in the process of relocating from state to state. My coworker is nice enough to let me stay at her house for a few weeks for free because I am coming out of a toxic break up of a relationship that lasted 8 years. But theres always light at the end of the tunnel I suppose, and for me it is getting bigger and brighter. I can do this on my own, I know because I've done it before. I will be living in Seattle this time by next month and I am so elated to start my new chapter or whatever the fuck you want to call it in my life. Shit sucks but ya gotta move on I guess. I am going to miss my job and my coworkers though, more than my fucking ex. Adios. Time to find myself again. :)



Still Swimming

March 4th, 2023
mood: defeated
drinking: rootbeer
watching: secret garden
playing: Terreria
temp: 36 F

I guess its been a while. My life has been nothing but busy the past few weeks. Im slowly putting the new layout up but Ive just not been feelin it lately. I have lots to say but my mouth remains shut. Drowning in routine. Shit at home is falling apart and all I feel is loneliness and dissociation. Nothing seems real anymore, like Im floating above myself with no control over anything, just there holding on in the past. Major life changes are coming and I do not know if I will survive them.



When You Sink to the Bottom

February 18th, 2023
mood: jaded
drinking: sprite
watching: encanto
playing: stardew valley
temp: 50 F

Holy shit, I had no idea its been a fucking month since I've updated my blog. Lots of things have happened and changed, I really don't know where to start. So here we go.
Reason I have been so absent lately is mainly been work. We are extremely understaffed so I am working 3 peoples jobs. It has put a lot of stress on me but at the same time, I have developed great relationships with my coworkers. I feel like when I am at work, I am with family. Like I will never experience that in my homelife, it's been so absent it has me emotionally scarred. My mom had surgery to remove more cancerous tumors, but at least theres little chance of it coming back any time soon. I miss her dearly and want her near me all the time. I feel so alone. But I push through because that's all I can do. I feel like theres's tons more to elaborate on but for now, this is all I feel like expressing. I'm still lurking around, please don't hesitate to send me a msg or shout out :)


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