Smol Update

August 28th, 2023
mood: nervous
watching: game of thrones
temp: 66 F

Figured I would throw this in a blog post rather than an update on my activity page. I have xrays tomorrow to see how the bone is healing and judging by the way I am able to walk (barely) on it, I'm hopeful I will get a pass from the surgeon to start driving again because my mom is heading back to Texas day after tomorrow. The scar is completely healed but I'm afraid the xrays will reveal either really good or really bad news. If I can't drive, I don't know what I'll do to get around for food. A month of doordash is pretty pricey and I'm financially not in a good place bc I'm saving to move for the 4th time this year. So even if things are going good and bone is healing nice, he could also push up the next surgery date to remove the plate and screws, which means mom would have to come up earlier than scheduled which is, again, pricey. Roundtrip from there to here is around $600-$800 every time. So I am kind of torn, as is my mother. I guess all we can do is take each day as it comes. /shrug.

The Night is Heartless

August 24th, 2023
mood: void
watching: harry potter
eating: animal crackers
drinking: gatorade
playing: world of warcraft / diablo 4
temp: 59 F

New layout is frustrating the hell out of me yet its all I work on these past few days.. weeks?.. who knows. I've pretty much accepted I've lost all comprehension of time and reality. I stay pretty catatonic or dissociative all day, feel alone at night then stay up until 6 am and pass out. I'm ready to change and blossom yet I feel something holding me back and I don't know what or who it is. How could I not see what has been staring at me in the face the whole time? No running away this time, I have to keep fighting. I HAVE TO KEEP FIGHTING.

Back to Square One

August 17th, 2023
mood: heartache
watching: xfiles
playing: world of warcraft
temp: 88 F

Life has been hard lately. And when I say that, I mean like to the point of giving up. Completely. I had my stitches taken out the other day and I am no longer using my boot to get around in. Weaning off the opiate pain meds (worst part) and prepping for the final surgery. Now that it's slightly healed, I am able to feel the plate under my skin and I literally feel like a cyborg. Anyway, as cool as that is.. a few more weeks and I'll have it removed with all 7 screws in my bone and then.. I am moving. Again. Moving for the 4th time this year. I'm so exhausted from that alone, I have also lost my 8 year relationship, home and sanity. Been betrayed 3 times by men who I thought I could trust (ha). Broke my leg that has been an almost 5 month ordeal with 2 surgeries. What else? Im pretty much rock bottom and my only choice is to move BACK to where I left.. but I don't want to get my hopes up of reconciling my relationship and putting my eggs in one basket like I always do and get fucked over. Again. Last choice would be Texas. Back to my hometown with my family which would help me save money but is very toxic for my mental health and overall wellbeing. I can't allow that to happen. Wish me luck, this is my last try.

Give Me a Break...

August 8th, 2023
mood: overwhelmed
drinking: sweet tea
eating: homemade meatloaf
watching: twilight bc im a loser
playing: Red Dead Redemption II
temp: 82 F

Had my second dressing change today after surgery. It's only been 2 freaking weeks since surgery (I was thinking it had been 3) so to hear that I have that much more time to heal is annoying bc I am ALREADY over this shit. Staying in bed all day except to use the bathroom is bullshit. But I have to be extra careful now bc somehow the bone re-broke and a screw is going right through the middle of the break between the two ends of bone that the bone graft was supposed to patch together. So thats the cause of all my pain, especially when I accidently move my ankle wrong. The pain in indescribable. Mom is staying to take care of me for at least another 4 or so weeks. We're slowly getting used to each others crazy. I haven't lived with her in over a decade and I know we have both changed as people so little things can get annoying but one day I will look back and cherish this time together that we rarely get. After I get healed, there is a posibility that I may move back to Texas but I don't really think it would be good for my mental health due to PTSD. But making my mom cry everyday bc I'm not wiling to give it a try is heartbreaking. So I have a lot to weigh on my mind. I even talked to my ex about moving back to southern Oregon but I don't know how progressive that would be. That's a whole different story I don't wish to delve into at the moment. I'm just grateful for pain pills and xanax tbh. I would've lost my mind a long time ago w/o them. P.S. here's a little sneak peak at what I've been up to lately: rough draft, but I hope you like.


August 6th, 2023
mood: lonely
drinking: sweet tea
eating: homemade tortilla soup
watching: before the 90 days
playing: Red Dead Redemption II
temp: 77 F

It's been hell dealing with this damn broken foot. Bone was already fusing together bc they put off the surgery for so long so having it "shaved" on (doctors words not mine) bc I didnt deal with any pain at all. But this. I can feel each screw when I move my ankle even the slightest. In the past two days, I have twisted my ankle the wrong way and boy does it send a severe bolt of pain through my body. I feel like since I have been putting partial weight on it that the screw moved against the bone and possibly re-opened some sutures. I decided its best to just leave it alone since tomorrow is my dressing change with the clinic but I am going to have them re-xray my foot to see if any screws aren't in their proper places. We will see. Other than that, I've just been nonstop working on my new layout and playing RDR2 and Diablo IV. Feel free to add me on psn: antikrist8 or battlenet: oneiric8!!

Dead Weight

August 3rd, 2023
mood: dead
drinking: juice
playing: Diablo IV
temp: 79 F

I feel like I am so heavy, all of a sudden I am dead weight. Depression is kicking my ass. Here's some pics, I dont feel like writing.

Let the Doom Come in

August 2nd, 2023
mood: confused
drinking: my own acidic bile
playing: Diablo IV
temp: 83 F

Sometimes people just kinda love each other no matter what. I don't believe in soulmates but if it's a thing, then you are definitely mine. Please give me a break, I just need you.. I just need a reset button. It's all my fault. Life is short my dudes. Go for it.

How Many Spiders?

July 26th, 2023
mood: pondering
drinking: gatorade
eating: bagel
watching: literally every comfort show ever
temp: 68 F

I finally had the surgery on my ankle. I'll be unable to walk for 6-8 weeks so I've been in bed recovering these past few days. In an out of sleep due to the heavy pain killers and muscle relaxers. But it has been a a blessing having my mom here to help with everything especially now that I cannot do hardly anything for myself. I'm slowly learning crutches for the first time so I think my abs and thighs are in more pain from a work out than my foot is from being cut open haha. But for real, I had a metal plate inserted onto my bone with about 5 screws to hold in place while taking a bit of bone from my heel to graft together my fibula. The pain is unbearable but it is what it is. I can only get better from here and like my nurse (old coworker) said, new leg new life. Been thinking a lot about my future here, or if I even have one. I may end up moving in the end who knows, it was nice and still has a chance to get better here, but I just dont know if i see myself here for long. We'll see.

Nope. I'm Done.

July 19th, 2023
mood: alone
drinking: peach tea
watching: youtube/music
temp: 88 F

I'm done dating. That's it. That's all. You know what my ass is gonna do instead? After the leg is healed, get a license as a medical assistant and save up quite a bit of money and buying myself a few horses. I'm getting old, I realize, time is so fragile and if we don't stop to take care of ourselves we will find an early grave. Embrace the fuck it.

also after 13 years I finally made an ally with my friend. (o゜▽゜)o☆

aaaand got this is in the mail.

While replanning the backyard (I think I'm gonna make a patio pond):

Some kind of Change

July 8th, 2023
mood: alone
drinking: water
watching: hulu
temp: 70 F

A lot has happened since the last update. I was let go of my job, so my mom has been staying with me until after surery. I am freakin out about the possibility of blood clots and small chance of death. I am pretty numb to everything. Ive been staring at my website for days that turn into weeks and I promise I want to continue this site, it is just so hard to stay focused because my whole life is shit. Might brainstorm some new layout ideas post surgery since I wont be able to walk for a few months. Until then, enjoy every moment because life can change in an instant ♥

Acidic Vomit

June 23rd, 2023
mood: pleased
drinking: sprite
watching: anything to keep me numb
temp: 59 F

Okay, here we go. Here's to trying to explain my absence. I was kicked out of my living space last month so I have found a nice place in Redmond area but the funny part is... is that I get let go of work a week after getting my new expensive ass apartment. I have no income and no one will hire someone with a broken leg. Then consider surgery and not being able to walk for 8 weeks and needing physical therapy. So I'm going after disability for short term since a leg fracture is considered disabled and it might save me with getting by on rent with the bare minimum. I got real low after I was let go. For three days, I didnt drink any water, barely ate a bite of food, stopped meds, and slept for 16 hrs at a time. I literally felt my body shutting down, not so much physically but mentally I gave up. I didn't want to live. I still don't. But my mom flew up here to take care of me, from now until a little after surgery. The road defintely isn't going to be easy for me the next few years... And because of that, I am taking legal action. I don't know what the future holds but at this rate guys, it's really not looking good.

Won't Work

May 30th, 2023
mood: pissed off, upset, alone. just soo many feels.
drinking: sprite
eating: vicodin
watching: anything to keep me numb
temp: 53 F

I'm keeping this post as short as possible bc I am so overwhelmed with shit lately and I am not thinking properly. It was confirmed today by one of our surgeons that, yes, I will need surgery on my leg. It's been about 6 weeks, no signs of improvement on healing so the bone is not fusing together. I will need a bone graft onto my fibula as well as a few rods and screws in both fibula and tibia. Here's a roundabout way my doctor explained it:

So with that said, I am also being kicked out of my residence (the one I broke my leg in) with really no reason at all, so I am actively seeking a personal injury lawyer to see what my options are due to their attic and basement do not have proper railing or staircases which led to said broken leg. All of this while also planning ANOTHER big move into my own place and there is a slight possibility I will be let go at my job due to this situation. With that said, I am to find a place to live, while possibly not having a job (no verified income) and being on bed rest post surgery. Lol what is even going on in my life anymore? Every time I get low, I always manage to fall a little further.


May 13th, 2023
mood: defeated
drinking: root beer
watching: anything to keep me numb
temp: 76 F

Don't ever say can it get worse because yes it certainly can. My life has been constant ups and downs lately (mostly downs) and so much is changing its hard to process a lot of it. I'm working on myself though and getting shit done because I'm a fucking adult. The new job is going well, and I have made friends with my coworker I've been training with. Everyone is super friendly and caring and I consider myself very lucky to have gotten a job there. Updates on my broken leg - well its worse than I had thought. My fibula is completely broken in half (that would explain the crack sound I heard when I fell) and was somehow managing to walk on it for 2 weeks without pain meds or a boot. The pain is getting significantly worse though meaning its probably healing wrong and theres a big possibility that I will need corrective surgery by puting metal rods in my leg. I know driving to and from work hurts a lot when I brake bc I can't wear the boot but its just been an all around pain in the ass to deal with cuz I still have to go to work. Doesn't help I live upstairs so I have to go up and down every time to use the bathroom or get food. On that note, my roommates are kicking me out as well. Its barely been a month and the chick has an attitude toward me already. Im over roommates and significant others, I want to live alone for a while and figure out my life by myself. At the same time, I crave human interaction so bad, I am deprived of love and affection. Just please can I get a fucking hug from someone? Being alone up here, having to move on a broken leg all by myself is just a lot at once, adding to the fact I just got out of a shitty situation a few weeks ago. Im done with people. Focus on work, I'll be ok.

No Hope

April 26, 2023
mood: shock
drinking: smoothie
watching: anything to keep me numb
temp: 56 F

Not going to make this a long post. I am in so much pain it hurts to think or move. Ive lost two people close to me and my mother is in bad health. I moved to seattle despite everything, and im left with nothing but a broken ankle and a broken heart. Ive lost all my friends. My home. My life. My job. Everything is gone. I am all alone here. Anxiety. Pain. I feel everyhingg and nothing all at once. I am having thoughts o f harming again. I need help. Support. Love.

You can't say No forever.

April 17th, 2023
mood: headstrong
drinking: sake n peach tea
watching: harry p
temp: 40 F

It's been a long and choatic hiatus, but hopefully I will have the time to code again soon. In a few hours I will be in Seattle at my new place and I couldn't be happier. Yet, something is eating at me. The fact my mother is upset I am moving somewhere other than Texas and the constant dread I feel around him at every breath he takes or words repeated. I know I am 100% ready to move on with my life and everyone was being so supportive at first but now that I am actually taking charge and setting boundaries, people are getting hurt. All I know is, I'm super happy to live alone again. The independence and freedom you get from working hard and supporting yourself is bittersweet. Let me do this alone. So I can find myself again.


April 1st, 2023
mood: reflective
drinking: vodka
watching: re4 on ps5
temp: 46 F

I am so sorry its been so long since I updated here or even checked in on yall. Im in a bit of a transition period in my life and as of right now I am basically homeless while in the process of relocating from state to state. My coworker is nice enough to let me stay at her house for a few weeks for free because I am coming out of a toxic break up of a relationship that lasted 8 years. But theres always light at the end of the tunnel I suppose, and for me it is getting bigger and brighter. I can do this on my own, I know because I've done it before. I will be living in Seattle this time by next month and I am so elated to start my new chapter or whatever the fuck you want to call it in my life. Shit sucks but ya gotta move on I guess. I am going to miss my job and my coworkers though, more than my fucking ex. Adios. Time to find myself again. :)

Still Swimming

March 4th, 2023
mood: defeated
drinking: rootbeer
watching: secret garden
playing: Terreria
temp: 36 F

I guess its been a while. My life has been nothing but busy the past few weeks. Im slowly putting the new layout up but Ive just not been feelin it lately. I have lots to say but my mouth remains shut. Drowning in routine. Shit at home is falling apart and all I feel is loneliness and dissociation. Nothing seems real anymore, like Im floating above myself with no control over anything, just there holding on in the past. Major life changes are coming and I do not know if I will survive them.

When You Sink to the Bottom

February 18th, 2023
mood: jaded
drinking: sprite
watching: encanto
playing: stardew valley
temp: 50 F

Holy shit, I had no idea its been a fucking month since I've updated my blog. Lots of things have happened and changed, I really don't know where to start. So here we go.
Reason I have been so absent lately is mainly been work. We are extremely understaffed so I am working 3 peoples jobs. It has put a lot of stress on me but at the same time, I have developed great relationships with my coworkers. I feel like when I am at work, I am with family. Like I will never experience that in my homelife, it's been so absent it has me emotionally scarred. My mom had surgery to remove more cancerous tumors, but at least theres little chance of it coming back any time soon. I miss her dearly and want her near me all the time. I feel so alone. But I push through because that's all I can do. I feel like theres's tons more to elaborate on but for now, this is all I feel like expressing. I'm still lurking around, please don't hesitate to send me a msg or shout out :)

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